It's been just over 3 weeks since my father died. And it hurts worse today than it did the day he passed away.
I haven't written about it as of yet for the simple reason that I don't yet understand what has happened. Or what is happening, for that matter. My mind is cluttered with a dozen thoughts at any given moment, none of them actually coherent.
Just yesterday, I was able to garner the courage to begin A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Whether it is too early for me to read something so raw and honest is yet to be seen, but the fact of the matter is, I had to do something. Anything to move me forward out of the self-pitying pit that I call "grief."
Here are a few observations about my own grief...a deep and aching hurt that comes from losing both my parents in the past 18 months. I am really writing this more for me than for you, but if it helps you in some way, I consider it an added bonus.
1. All attempts to figure out grief are ultimately futile. It's a mystery and any effort to categorize or sterilize it fails and falls flat on t's face.
2. Grief cannot be explained, it must be experienced. You have to stand toe to to with it and face it head on when it comes at you. Like leaning into a wave in the ocean to keep from being swept under, grief requires us to lean into it.
3. Running from, avoiding, and hiding from grief only gives it more momentum with which to run you over when it finally catches up with you. And it will, eventually, catch up with you.
4. When someone you love dies, it is more than a loss. It is an amputation. Not so much like losing an arm or a leg, but like losing a portion of your heart (emotions) and your mind (thoughts).
5. Grief brings paralysis. I find myself sometimes standing in the closet or the kitchen, staring at a cabinet door or a shirt on a hanger with absolutely no thoughts going through my mind. I don't even know how long I stood there before I realized what I was doing.
6. Grief renders you listless, stupid. I can't think. I can't speak. I want to say something but can't force the words to come together in my brain, muchless push them out of my mouth. Perhaps all my energies are busy fighting the pain and they are unavailable for thinking or speaking.
7. Grief is sadness coupled with anger. I miss my mom and dad. I want to talk to them. But I am also mad that my parents are gone, that my sons won't have them as grandparents, and that I can't have access to them in my 40s and 50s when I would really enjoy their wisdom and their company.
8. Grief is a thief. I am so consumed with self-pity and sadness that I am robbed of the fun and joy of engaging others in conversations, activities, meals, and laughter.
9. Grief is a gift. It shows me not only how much I loved the one that is dead, but how much he loved me, and the absence of that love is a reflection of a deeper and truer longing that God placed in my mortal heart for immortality.
10. In seasons of grief, people don't know what to say to you. Death makes things awkward. Could it be any other way? I love and appreciate the cards, prayers, pats on the back, and clunky verbal attempts to make me feel better. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Just say something.
11. Grief is an assassin. Feelings of hoplessness and fear come out of nowhere. Un-announced. Suprise attacks. You cannot pre-empt their arrival or plan a defense. You just have to face them. Cry as much as you can. Talk about your feelings. Answer people's questions honestly and briefly. And when you have to, slip out the back door when no one is looking so that you can be alone.
12. Death is not a thing you get over. It is a thing you get through. Like walking through the valley of the shadow of death, the goal is to eventually pass through that valley. I will get through this, by the grace of God.
Thanks for enduring my ramblings. In some small way, it helps to externalize the thing that brings so much pain internally.
Comments
July 11 2012
mike shelton
I know & understand exactly what you are going through Bro.Clayton. My momma passed away this past Jan from a drug overdose.
Death of a loved one is the hardest thing a man or woman can go through in this life. I’ll most definately keep you lifted in prayer. Please do the same for me as well.
Love u bro. Keep up the awesome work for the kingdom.
Mike Shelton (Charlotte NC)
@Mike_Shelton
July 11 2012
john shelton
Clayton,
Love you man!
Some good words here.
Lost my dad when I was 18 and my mom when I was 33 (we were in Brazil at the time).
Always been weird to me too that everybody grieves in a different way.
Prayed for you after I read this!
John
July 11 2012
Kristen Bachman
Clayton- this was a great set of thoughts. I can’t believe you could organize your thoughts to get them together like this. It was so helpful to read as I’ve been going through grieving my dad. My dad died June 25th at 8:12am a little over 2 weeks ago.
I so agree with a lot of what you said. Especially the part about it being an amputation, how it must be experienced b/c there’s no way to describe the feelings, and the paralysis. I’ve felt all of those things. And grief being an assassin. The oddest things are so upseting. My dad and I were out running errands one day and he needed a comb. We stopped into Sally Beauty Supply and he spent 20 minutes picking out a comb! This big tough guy at Sally evaluating combs. I drove by a Sally and the saddness was overwhelming. So random, but so real in my heart.
The feelings are so strange, it still feels surreal some days. I have thoughts that are so irrational, yet I really have to think through them. I’ve never heard anyone explain all of this, or the lonliness that comes when your dad is gone. Unless someone has experienced this I don’t know that they could understand, but to lose the person that loves you like your dad does (and I think it’s even different for a daughter) is something that can never be replaced or replicated. It’s awful.
I’m so sorry for your loss. This sucks. I’m sure it’s different for everyone and nothing really makes you feel better, but please know you’re not alone. I know you spend lots of time sharing with others that they are not alone and sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that you’re not alone either. I’m here in Florida missing my dad too, I know how much it sucks, I’m so sorry.
My dad died of cancer and lots of people say it’s good to know he’s not in pain anymore, but that doesn’t make the loss any easier. My dad is gone and he’s not coming back to this world and working through that has been probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. And I don’t have a choice, I have to work through it. And I’m not sure the feeling isn’t going to get worse.
The thing that has been most helpful for me has been when I feel sad to think of what he’d say to me. My dad was really rational, didn’t mince words, you always knew what he thought. He would say, “Kristen Ann I didn’t raise you to sit around and be sad that I’m gone. Go enjoy and appreciate all the life that is left and remember what I taught you.” Or some variation of that. Thinking of his words are the best medicine for me right now.
I’ll be praying for you and your family Clayton. I’m so very sorry your dad is gone.
July 11 2012
Thad Coggins
Clayton, I can’t say that I understand exactly how you feel, but I have had a really hard time up until maybe the last month. On Aug, 2 it will be a year since my father went to Heaven. I can rejoice like yourself for where my dad is, but what we go through here can really be tough. I know sometimes our grief is a natural effect, but I also believe that Satan uses such an event as a tool against us, or at least he did in my situation. I have been through such a wilderness this past year, but God has still managed to use me despite my weakness. I am reminded that even Jesus, after the Spirit of God descended upon Him, was immediately led by the Spirit in to the wilderness where he would be tempted and tried by the devil, but oh what a ministry He entered in when he got out of the wilderness. This is what I look forward to, and that’s the great things that God is going to do now and in the future. I know that God has anointed you, and He will continue to lead you through this time of pain. You will enter even a greater dimension of ministry because of what you have suffered. God be with you my friend, I know He is, even when you don’t feel like He is. Satan tries to use times like these to isolate us. When I went through this, I was made to feel like I was alone even though people were around me. I speak peace over you, and your mind. You have the mind of Christ, and your thoughts will line up to His thoughts. You will triumph over this grief because of who is inside of you. I love you Clayton. - Thad
July 11 2012
John Dobbs
Excellent thoughts ... having experienced significant grief, I think you have expressed the reality of grief concisely ... compassionately. Bless you in this sorrow.
July 11 2012
Rachel Rizzuti
Almost two years ago, I lost one of my close friends in a car accident-someone driving drunk collided with her car. She was a believer and a worshipper and a songwriter and just a lovely friend. I haven’t lost either one of my parents yet but I can’t imagine it. Everything you said about grief is true, especially that it is something that you don’t get over but can come through. I’m thankful that God understands all those phases of grief. Jesus experienced them all and more. I love that phrase “come through.” He will always come through with us!
July 11 2012
Linsey Grady
My father died of cancer when i was six. I wish I had been able to grow up with him in my life. Since then I have lost several family members I loved dearly and next will be my grandmother who is my best friend. She is 90 and i am not looking forward to that day. I wish i had words of encouragement for you other than to say that this separation is only temporary, but you know that.
My fiance and I are currently reading your book written with your wife about marriage, and it is blessing our relationship and bringing us closer to each other and God as we read it. Thank you for your ministry and I am praying for you Clayton!
July 11 2012
Beth Marshall
Clayton,
Thanks for this. Wow, how true about death being more than a loss- an amputation. Praying the Lord will wrap you in His enormous loving arms today. We love you guys.
July 11 2012
Ouida Ray
Clayton, our prayer coordinator, Carolyn Fuqua, sent me a prose written by Garland Bryant Vance who is still dealing with the loss of his mother in May 2012. If you don’t mind, I will email it to you, because basically, it’s another man’s journey in grief, and it is as well written as yours! Ouida
July 11 2012
Charlene Campbell
I agree, friend, with all of it. We love you.—Charlene
July 11 2012
sharyn jenkins
Clayton I totally get what you said here and it is very profound and true. My 34 year old brother died almost 10 years ago and sometimes even now it hits me like it did on the day he died. Thanks for explaining some of that stuff that made me feel like I was loosing my mind, I had no one to ask if that happened to them. I learned one thing about someone dying people not only don’t know what to say to you but sometimes they avoid you because they don’t know what to say. I won’t tell you the obligatory remarks that people speak wanting to either be helpful or hope that you will quit crying. I’ll say I understand a small bit of what you feel. while the death of someone is pretty much the same loss it’s different due to the relationship the person had to you. I can’t imagine loosing not only one but both of my parents. I am praying for you and if you ever want to talk to someone I am here for you. God Bless and Keep you! I will leave you with this:John 11:25-27
New International Version (NIV)
25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.” When I started going to Mount Ararat I found this in the prayer room and it helped me to feel a bit better about the loss of my brother.
July 11 2012
Kate Godwin
Dear Clayton,
I want to start out by saying how sorry I am for your loss..I know there aren’t the words to make the hurt go away.. To be honest.. From someone who has lost my sister,2 uncles, grandparents, Aunt, co-worker/friend and now a friend who has been diagnosed as terminal.. I know the hurt of losing a close loved one. I don’t say this to try and compare or belittle or anything.. I’m jus trying to say I know what your going through and am praying for you.. The hardest to lose was my sister.. & to me she is still here.. in my heart that is. I picture her looking down from heaven with God watching my family and I. I’m sure your heart is breaking.. but if I can ask you a favor and please forgive me if I offend you.. Don’t try to understand the grief or the loss.. It’s impossible. I spent the past 10yrs trying to understand Why God allowed my precious sister to be sick all her life and pass 3 years later… I asked why I couldn’t move on.. Why how even though the world seemed to keep going when my world had been shattered into a million pieces. Only thing I came up with was Matthew 11:28. I’m not even sure if this letter helps anything.. or if I’m making any sense whatsoever. But I’m praying for you and hope you can find happiness and joy in life again.. As hard as it is.. It teaches us to never take those around us for granted because we never know when we will not get to see them again in this lifetime. God is the ultimate comforter,healer and strength giver. He helps us enjoy life again. One step and day at a time. Remember it’s a process and talking and dealing with it helps. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do in this situation but do not put walls up either…
Again I apologize for the rambling.
Praying for you & see you in the fall.
Sincerely
Kate.
July 12 2012
Gloria Whitfield
Praying for you and your family Clayton. I am so there on the feelings you have expressed. My dad died19 months ago,only three months after being diagnosed with cancer; 6 months later I lost my first grandson after a year’s battle with leukemia,he was 17; 3 months ago my oldest nephew, an officer in the Navy was killed by a hit and run drunk driver in Jacksonville, where he was stationed, he was 29; the night before he was buried, my oldest son ,who was a pallbearer and very close to my nephew, received an email from his wife of a little over a year, that she didn’t want to be married anymore….devastated him. So, all that to say, death of a loved one definitely takes a part of you with them… But God is so gracious in leaving us with something we would never have had without these people in our lives, and in our case, the gift of knowing we will be with them for eternity; a lot longer than we will be without them. And that is so healing in itself. In my son’s case, which was a huge and painful loss of what he thought was for a lifetime; God’s timing is never wrong and His reason is always right. The footprints left on our hearts and lives are priceless tools to continue their legacies in the Ives of others, and know that when WE don’t understand, GOD always does. Thank you for living the love you have for and from your family. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be His child, because He allowed me be in such a godly family,and now my children will continue to raise their children in the way of the Lord. Continuing to lift you in prayer.
July 12 2012
Patrick Kellett
Clayton,
Thoughts and prayers are definitely with you and your family during this tough time. It was extremely hard loosing my grandfather in 2003. He was the father figure for me more than my dad was. He taught me so much and we had such an awesome relationship. I love him so much. I find my peace with him knowing he is with my grandmother and with God. I still cry sometimes still wishing he could see me or we could talk. Like you said, the toughest part is getting through it. Everyday I still think about him and I know you will with your father also. Love and prayers.
July 12 2012
Susan Keller
I am so sorry you and your family have to experience this. I am so thankful that you are allowing others to observe you as you walk it out. When Daddy died last April I had no idea how to process all the feelings, especially those I was not expecting (anger, the incredible sense that death brings of all the things you could have done had you not been so “busy”, and the awareness of how the things they did wrong no longer even come to mind, but everything you did wrong is almost overwhelming). I had moments of selfishness, wanting my Dad here with me, even though that would mean he would be in pain again. God was so merciful and compassionate and so present in every moment. My anger didn’t bother Him, my selfishness didn’t bother Him. He never left me. His death has made me even more driven by the reality that the only thing that matters in this life is God being glorified in this earth, and that begins in my life. It begins by not pretending that life isn’t hard, but in allowing others to really see the process of the journey they see the One carrying me through the journey. They see my weakness and they see His strength. To deny my insufficiencies would also deny His sufficiency in every circumstance. So as hard as it is to be raw in front of people, the redemption of it all is that God will be glorified as His glory is seen in your life. He will walk with you and carry you when He needs to through each step of this phase of the journey. At times, I long so much to hear my Dad’s voice in the stressful times say, “it’s going to be okay baby girl, God has you in His hands.” But the sweet thing is that instead of my earthly father’s voice, now I hear my Heavenly Father’s voice much more clearer saying, “it’s okay baby girl, I’ve got you in My hands.” That’s even more affirming and securing than anything I have ever experienced. It will not be an easy road, but you will be okay, God’s got you in His hands.
July 14 2012
Leesa H.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Father to cancer in 2000. He was diagnosed in July and died on 8/26/00 age 63 and on my wedding anniversary, I miss him so much. My mother is losing her battle with stomach cancer, I just pray we have her thru the holidays. But my worst grief was the loss of my 22 year old son, 5 years ago. I feel like my soul has been ripped from my body. I have no choice but to push on, I have 2 other sons and 3 grandbabies. Not a day goes by that I don’t grieve. Like you I have read all the books, gone to counseling, on medication, We have to learn to just accept that they are in a place with God. No pain, sadness or struggles. One day we will be with them. Nothing makes it easier or takes the pain away, but you have to push on. With my Mom and Dad I had time to talk about things before they died. My son it was an accident and we never got to talk about what he wanted. Accept the love people give you, talk out loud to your loved ones or God, thats ok. Write them a letter with good and bad thoughts and then burn it, We do balloons with notes on them every anniversary of my son’s death. I have to accept it was God’s will. But its not easy to push forward. You are in my prayers. Very good description of grief, if writing a journal helps keep doing it.
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