Four weeks ago today, I preached my father's funeral. It was Father's Day. In a strange irony, I felt it was a fitting way to say good-bye to a man I loved and admired so deeply.
I had unconsciously expected the grief to taper off by now. I never actually said as much, but still, it was an expectation I harbored in my heart. After nearly a month, I should be moving on, right? He's gone, so I just need to let him go, right? I'm a grown man, after all, and I have to move on. That's what he would want me to do, right?
Unfortunately, things haven't turned out the way I had hoped. I woke up today, four weeks after his funeral, and hit a huge brick wall of sadness. As my mom used to say, "I fell all to pieces." The strange thing about it is this; I felt like I really turned a corner on this grief journey just four days ago.
On Wednesday I spent an hour with my counselor. He encouraged me that I was taking the right steps. He affirmed that I was not losing my mind. I spent an afternoon out of town, with a change of scenery and perspective. I preached with anointing and passion on Thursday night. I went to dinner with my wife and friends on Friday and Saturday nights, then watched a movie last night with more friends. It almost felt normal again.
I felt like I had moved to higher ground. I had firmer footing underneath me. I was even telling a friend that I felt more confidence in my emotional state.
Then this morning happened. A fitful night of bad dreams, none of them actually clear enough to remember, left a residue of pain and confusion upon waking at 5 AM. The fog was so thick, it was like trying to drive on an 8-lane interstate in rush hour traffic without the ability to see where I was going. As my family got ready for church, the very thought of getting dressed was too much to handle. I "fell all to pieces" right there in the walk-in closet. My wife just hugged me and told me she loved me.
So what do you do when the grief refuses to go away? Well, I am no kind of expert, to be sure. But here is what is working for me...right now...when the grief won't go away.
1. Talk to yourself - I tell myself things that I need to hear...not in my head (the space inside my head is a crazy place right now). I say it out loud. "Clayton, get up out of the bed. Go get dressed. You have a family to love. You have a job to do. You have the gospel to preach. Just start moving." The grief is telling me crazy things. I have to counteract that voice with my own voice of common sense.
2. Be alone - Everyone handles death and loss differently. I'm an extreme extrovert and people energize me. But I find myself getting anxious and cagey at times, and when I feel the panic sneaking up behind me, it's time to make a quick exit to a quiet place. Only you know how long you need, and where your quiet place is. Jesus did this. So I don't feel guilty for disappearing for a little while to rest and re-set my emotions.
3. Be around people - I force myself to break away from the propensity to stay isolated. Being alone for a long time can lead to all sorts of dark places. People are the means of healing that God employs to help His children get better. Go get coffee, share a meal, go shopping, do yard work...you may have to MAKE YOURSELF do it, but we make ourselves do things all the time that we don't want to do (go to work, write a research paper, pay taxes).
4. Tackle small projects - Grief drains me of passion and energy. It also robs me of feeling like I am accomplishing anything. So I take on small projects that don't demand much mental and emotional investment, like mowing the lawn, making up the bed, doing a few loads of laundry, or returning a few emails. When they're done, it feels like a "win" for me, and right now, I really need a few "wins" because all I feel is "loss."
5. Create diversions - This is fairly simple to do. Grief makes my brain feel like a vehicle that's stuck in the mud; the wheels keep spinning but there's no traction and I'm getting nowhere. So I divert my attention by reading a book or the newspaper, watching a movie, playing a card game with my kids, or taking a short walk with my wife. It forces my brain to focus on something besides how sad I am. It helps me gain traction mentally and I am able to move forward, even if in very small increments.
I hope these help you or someone you know that is on the grief journey. What would you add to this list?
Comments
July 16 2012
Hope Jones
I lost my father a little more than a year ago, but my pain is still here, especially today becayse it is my fourteenth birthday. My pain is not a sign of weakness. It shows I have lost someone I loved dearly. I was almost thirteen when my dad passed, and I know that may not seem like a long time, but I am great full for the time God gave me with him. Grief is hard to deal with, but it is simply a part of life. Unfortunately, the pain never really goes away, but it does lessen. I have started to see why God had my dad go when he did, and I hope you will too.
July 16 2012
Beth Marshall
Clayton, I believe your words are going to help a lot of people… realizing that they’re not going crazy with the unpredictable waves of grief. Every person’s journey is unique. I think what you’re doing is brilliant-especially finding time with people, and time to be alone.
Something that helped me especially after my parents’ deaths, was getting a blank notebook and writing about them. Funny stories, serious things, as far back as I could remember- those are the things you never want to forget.
I wish I could have known your dad. I love the way you once described him as ‘the best man I’ve ever known.’ Wow. Love that.
July 16 2012
Sabrina
Clayton, I recently started watching old episodes of Campus Church & you are by far one of the most dedicated men of God I know. I know your hearing, “it’s alright, he’s in a better place, all will soon pass.” but I am not here to tell you the same things you hear everyday.
I myself, am no expert in counseling, someday I hope to be, but as of right now I’m just a normal 22 year old girl that has a passion for helping people. I know you do as well, & that is why you preach the gospel. But even people like us who help others all the time, need a little spirit uplifting.
Continue doing what your doing. Have fun with life, even though I know that’s not on the menu at the moment. But continue to love Christ, love your wife & family, love your job, & love yourself for everything you’ve accomplished. Be the man your dad was, to your kids & your wife as he was you & your mother. Those of us who go through the worst pain are Gods biggest & strongest soldiers. I know you can do this. You tell me in every episode of campus church, that I can do it, so I’m telling you the same thing.
I’ll be praying for you. God will heal your sorrow.
July 16 2012
Caroline
“The grief is telling me crazy things.” I can understand this. It’s how I feel every time I’m pounded by the “what if,” “how do we”, and “what do we do” questions that bombard me about our son’s medical situation. I keep thinking it’s me telling myself these crazy things. But, you’re right. It’s grief. And fear.
Thank you for writing this. You articulated the heavy impact grief hits us with well.
July 16 2012
Na'Nette White
Comment I feel your pain, Clayton. I lost my last parent, my mom, on 6/21. God had allowed us the opportunity to get closer through my taking care of her, particularly over the last year of her life. Saturdays are the hardest days. It’s the day I cared for her for years ... but it was ever day over the last year+. I had even moved back in my childhood home over a year ago, with my husband joining me in May. The kids are grown, one lives away, one close enough but busy. It’s hard figuring out what to do. I’ve never had this much free time ... it’s always been kids or mom. Monday - Friday is easy ... routine of work. Sunday is easier ... get to worship God. Praying He will show me saturdays too ...
July 16 2012
Amanda Johnston
Clayton, I am praying for you during this time of grief.
As an encouragement, I also want to let you know the impact you had on me when I experienced the loss of my oldest son through miscarriage at 16-weeks back in 2006.
You spoke at youth camp twice when I was in high school, and all those years later, when I was so afraid to fulfill the commitment I had made to the Lord to bless His Name no matter what occurred in my life, it was your voice I heard in my heart that afternoon when I learned that my baby boy had gone to be with Jesus. “Feel the fear and do it anyway,” you had said, probably a dozen times at camp one year. “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Courage consumed me, and I verbally blessed His Name through streams of tears. That moment turned the corner on grief for me. I was able to get through that week—through delivering Nathan’s little body—with joy, gratitude, and acceptance, because I obeyed. And it was your voice that pushed me to do it. Thank you. Thank you for being bold and for obeying the Lord’s calling to preach the truth without shame.
Grief never goes away. I love your advice for how to deal with grief. It is much like how I have had to deal with my son’s death over the last 6 years as the pain ebbs and flows. I pray that on the days when it all falls apart again (and they will continue to come for the rest of your life), the same courage the Spirit continues to give me will consume you.
July 16 2012
Michael Driscoll
I moved high upon a mountain top in the Blue Ridge Mountains with no other objects in view in any direction other than those big blue hills.
It was a gutsy move, and I am isolated, but I drive to Spartanburg or to Greenville on Sundays to serve & attend NewSpring Church, and I get my human interaction there (what could be a better place, right?!?).
I had to remove my whole being completely in order to come to complete peace with myself, and with the Lord.
It’s been one year (last week) & I’m still in the healing process.
But escaping to a “quiet” place AND surrounding yourself with POSITIVE friends IS the very best medicine. I’m a tried & true patient.
July 16 2012
Todd Felkel
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. It makes sense. Grief is a journey and a process. Praying for you. You are an inspiration to me and so many others. Psalm 23:4 ( NKJV), “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
July 16 2012
Marty Walden
Your post hit me today on the day that would have been my dad’s 90th birthday. He passed away in 2009 and my mom in 2010. My mom wandered outside her nursing facility in the middle of the night and died from hypothermia on Christmas Eve. I still feel guilt that somehow I should have been able to prevent it. My sister passed away in 2000 at the age of 53, and I think in many ways all this grief is wrapped up together. I do all the things you mention and I’m not in bondage to the grief. Yet, it is still a part of my life, if not recognized very often. Time does heal wounds but a loss is still a loss. Thank you for sharing what I know is painful and allowing us to grieve with you.
July 16 2012
Godsgirl
Listen to great praise and worship music that proclaim the promises of God.
July 16 2012
sharyn jenkins
Thanks again for sharing Clayton I remember going through what you are now. My bother passed just before Christmas and I was in Toys R Us trying to find a present for my son, and I found my self wondering around the store trying to figure out what I was doing there and what was wrong with all of the people around me. Grief really sucks the strength out of you emotionally and physically. All I can say is take care of your self, love your self and let those around you love on you. All of those things you mentioned are great. I just wish people who weren’t related to you knew how to act or treat you. Thanks again Clayton praying for you!
July 17 2012
JolaaJesu Ayomiposi
Hi,watching one of your videos now and decided to check you out on the internet and saw this.I lost my father when I was 3 mths old,and i’m 19 now.Despite the fact that I never knew him,I still find myself crying and thinking all the ‘what ifs’ that you can imagine at odd moments.So I can imagine what it’s like for you.I believe that all you have to do,really is to trust God that He has it all in control.Time doesn’t heal all wounds,but God does.Trust Him to heal yours.Please,dont ask Him to take your grief away(cos its part of a growth process),just tell Him to fill you with the assurance of His love.God bless you and keep you,will be praying for you.
July 28 2012
Grieving Young Wife and Mother
Hi Clayton,
Your blog post spoke to me in my time of grief, even though it is a different type of grief, I am still in deep mourning for sudden loss. My husband walked out the door a couple of months ago, and I am left to care full time for all of our small children. At the time of his departure, we all thought that everything was normal here. We still had fun times together, the kids still saw mommy and daddy hugging and kissing in the kitchen, we still held hands at night whilst sleeping. We had a nice family vacation planned. But then one day, he doesn’t return home. He said he needs space, but is immediately caught with another woman, a co-worker of his. And now, he makes very little attempt to have anything to do with us, as he chases the skirt of this other woman, spending time with her and her children instead. He now speaks to us differently, as his normal emotions and affections for our own family have been skewed. To put it short, I feel as though my best friend and lover has died. Actually it would have been easier for him to die. Some days, I feel like I can’t cope with both the pain of loss and rejection. Some days, I wish that I could die so as to not feel this way anymore. And yes, I am a believer. I know I should have it out with God and trust in him more, but walking out that process on a daily level has been challenging at best and impossible at worst.
I can imagine no hurt or life event worse or more traumatizing than what we are going through in this exact moment. I hate being “alone”. I hate knowing that my husband is out living it up with her instead of living it up with me. I hate having a huge division in our family. I hate having to live off the government now because he doesn’t give us enough money to pay our core bills. I hate it all.
And yet there is a glimmer of hope. My husband could return one day, a changed repentant man. Or we could move on with our lives and just maybe God has someone better out there for me? I see some hope in your post here, too, in learning how to cope, how to start putting one foot in front of the other. I can’t help but wonder what my position in life should be in this moment as the abandoned wife and mother, while my husband shows no signs of being a true believer or ever returning home. Part of me wants to keep waiting on him to do the right thing, and the other part of me wants to move on without him. Please pray for me and my family. I am praying for yours.
August 28 2012
Jeff Merrell
Brother Clayton, feeling for you, you are in my prayers…Your pain represents the hole in your heart…a hole that I believe will be their until you are reunited in paradise. It is the Love connection you had with your Dad.
My year of loss was in October of 2010, my Mother 87 passed, a vicitm of Alzheimers and my Dad 92, who was in reasonably independent, my hero died just 17 days later…I guess he had other plans when she left us…I went through the develop and build a Family Memorial book, and the grief, and it gets better but the hole is still their…I’m good with it, we’re human, we miss our Patriarch, our best friend, guess what? We’ll have plenty of time to catch-up later…the loss, the hurt, the sadness, the hole, strengthens my faith and my resolve to be a better man, the man my Father raised me to be. The loss, its still their Bro, time helps….your faith is an inspiration to all believers.
My prayer is that time will allow you to put the pain in a place where the consumption of your loss will serve as a living memorial to your Dad…
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