About a year ago, I experienced something brand new. I had heard about it. Several of my friends and family members had dealt with it. Lots of people were talking about it but it had never been more than a conversation piece or an "issue" in my mind. It was something that affected other people, but not me. But when it showed up in my life, it became immediately clear to me that it was real, not a fabrication or a farce.
Depression.
I didn't know what was wrong at first. I tried to shake it by doing all the things I usually did when I would get down for a few days. Running. Basketball. Movies. Books. Strong coffee. Nothing worked. I felt tight in my chest, short of breath, and sleep became nearly impossible. I survived the busiest part of my summer by praying, fasting, talking to some friends, and as silly as it may sound, listening to lots of classical music in my study.
At about the 2 month point, in desperation I called a friend who had struggled with depression and he hooked me up with a fantastic Christian counselor who diagnosed me in about 3 minutes. I was relieved to hear that my depression was not clinical, but more "situational." It simply meant that I didn't need medication. I needed a reality check and a lifestyle change. Thankfully, I caught it and dealt with it early on before it got worse. The bullet points were fairly simple and straightforward.
1. My depression was a result of my hectic, busy, go-go-go lifestyle. My body was depleted of the chemicals that it needed to feel balanced, happy, and at peace.
2. I would not get better until I slowed down, simplified my life, connected more regularly with God and my family, and unplugged from all the wonderful things (all of them ministry related) that kept me ramped up mentally and emotionally.
3. I had to stop drinking coffee. It was my crutch. It kept me "in the game" when I had lots to do by helping my mind ignore my body's fatigue. Yet the caffeine stayed with me and wouldn't allow me to ever get good rest.
So the big take-away for me was the word UNPLUG. That was what I had to do. Less noise, fewer phone calls, shorter to-do lists, and more time doing things I enjoyed. But how was I supposed to do that? I hadn't lived a life like that since middle school.
I started with a few small things.
*I began going to bed earlier, as in when I got sleepy (usually before 10 PM)
*I immediatly switched to decaf. The results were astonishing.
*I began exercising more regulary and moderately instead of the 3 hour intensive workout twice a week.
*I started journaling again, writing about my feelings and emotions and thoughts.
*I began reading books again for pleasure, not just for theology or sermon material.
*I talked openly and honestly with my closest friends about my struggle.
*I took fewer events which allowed me to stay home more and travel less, giving me more time with my family.
*I read everything I could about adrenaline fatigue and pastoral burnout.
*I spent more time in prayer, worship, and God's word.
*I cut back on writing, blogging, emailing, Tweeting, Facebooking, and surfing the pages and blogs I would frequent constantly.
A funny thing happened. I got better. The fog lifted and the skies cleared and my mind began working correctly again. I began to sleep and enjoy time away from ministry. I became happy and less irritable. And I realized that the only way I could pre-empt the future bouts of depression that would certainly come would be to repeat these steps until they became natural and habitual. That is why I have not blogged in a while and did very little social networking last week. I was on vacation at the beach with my family which meant I didn't need to be tethered to technology.
I thought I was going crazy. If I hadn't talked to people about it, the isolation would have exasperated the situation and I may have lost my mind wondering what in the world was wrong with me. But by dealing with it head on and quickly, I gained understanding and perspective. Now I am poised to respond when the feelings of doom encroach upon my life. I pray this can be an encouragment to you.
Comments
June 21 2010
Tekedra Blanding
Thanks Clayton! I realllly needed to read this. I’m dealin with some of these same things…..wow so encouraging. Thanks
June 21 2010
Jimmy
Thank you for opening up about this Clayton. I have been there too and brother it’s no fun. I thank God you didn’t sit around and let it consume you. I will pray for you and your family daily and may God bless you.
June 21 2010
Tekedra Blanding
Thanks so Much Clayton, I reallllly needed to read this. I’ve been dealing with some of these same things. THANKS for the encouraging word!
June 21 2010
Kyle McDaniel
Thank you for the thoughtful blog. I have seen some of these red flags in my own life. Reading Cordeiro’s “Leading on Empty” was immensely helpful to me. I worked for Starbucks before becoming a pastor and the coffee thing has really been a struggle for me, but i really notice how it affects my mood, sleep patterns, etc. Most people don’t think about self medicating with coffee but it certainly can be a problem. A major area that I would include in your list of small things is the issue of diet. I personally struggle the most in this area. I have noticed that when I eat poorly I feel poorly and often act poorly. But eating properly in conjunction with fasting seems to help combat depression. Just a few thoughts, thanks again.
June 21 2010
Kyle McDaniel
Thank you for the thoughtful blog. I have seen some of these red flags in my own life. Reading Cordeiro’s “Leading on Empty” was immensely helpful to me as well. I worked for Starbucks before becoming a pastor and the coffee thing has really been a struggle for me, but i really notice how it affects my mood, sleep patterns, etc. Most people don’t think about self medicating with coffee but it certainly can be a problem. A major area that I would include in your list of small things is the issue of diet. I personally struggle the most in this area. I have noticed that when I eat poorly I feel poorly and often act poorly. But eating properly in conjunction with fasting seems to help combat depression. Just a few thoughts, thanks again.
June 21 2010
Kimberly Wenger
Great blog, Clayton. I’ve struggled with depression too and found that being over-caffeinated was one of the simplest things I could do to help. I also found that letting myself experience the negative emtions that were weighing me down was really important to moving through them to find joy again. I think it’s really important that Christian leaders share these struggles so that others don’t feel so alone and have a roadmap to deal with their own difficulties. Thanks so much for sharing!
June 23 2010
Melissa Brown
Wonderful post! I too have struggled with depression for quite awhile and will have to try the decaf thing. I think I can, I think I can…..
June 23 2010
Chris
I would have never guessed that the hyper-active Clayton King had an experience with depression. I certainly would not have guessed that he be open about it. I’m glad he was though.
I have also been using coffee as a sort of crutch. I consider myself a very productive person and often feel just plain winded mid-day or even mid-morning. Coffee is my answer to that and it has helped me get by without giving me any negative side effects… I have been warned that it ought not to be depended on. But what can then? I guess “prayer” is the Christian answer.
As for the depression - I don’t suffer from it but I think it’s fair to say that some look for happiness in a bottle, some in a mug, but neither find anything lasting. Happiness is elusive. Pursuing happiness is like chasing the wind. Maybe heaven will put an end to that pursuit but I’m not holding my breath. Man may have been built for un-ending progress. What other conclusion can we come to? Maybe happiness is an illusion, a strictly human construct.
“There is neither happiness nor sorrow but only a comparison of the two states.”
—paraphrased from The Count of Monte Cristo
June 27 2010
Kelly V
Wow Clayton thanks for your transparency. I totally agree with Kimberly how important it is that Christian leaders share their struggles so that others don’t feel alone. I respect you even more after reading your blog on this! You are a true leader and a man of God. So many, including myself, have struggled with these same difficulties. I would encourage you to also share this with others as you speak around the country. I believe there are an enormous amount of people that feel just as you did and not sure what to do about it. I believe in medication if necessary, but also see so many people go to it immediately and then not really change their lifestyle. Thank you again for your honestly and desire to help others. I believe the Lord is going to use this experience in your life to touch so many other lives. God bless you and your family.
June 28 2010
Angie Rhyne
Need I say I understand? I love you and Charie and I am praying as you enter into this busy season of camp. Thank you…........for everything.
June 28 2010
Cannaboy
I’m glad you didn’t have to take medicine. That being said, there is nothing wrong with meds for Christians… especially natural one’s that God made. I live in California where the cannabis plant is allowed to be prescribed by a doctor. My Dr. prescribed a certain species that energizes to help cheer me up. I cooked and ate it’s flowers for a little while, and it helped me immensely with my situational depression stemming from the recent loss of a loved one. The plant had none of the dangerous side effects of the big pharma medicines conventional doctor’s wanted to prescribe.
Anyway, the crazy thing is that the Federal Government (always looking out for big pharma corporations instead of the rest of us) claims it is legal to take cannabis in one form only: a pill (“marinol” or “sativex”) made by big pharma corporations. If you take the exact same ingredient in the plant form, they will arrest and imprison you (unless you live in California or another free State). Think about that for 3 seconds. If you haven’t figured out how corrupt that is, think about it for 3 more seconds.
Anyway, if you live where it is legal, I highly recommend this plant. Many are even saying can even *cure* cancer if you distill it down to its essential oil. See Rick Simpson’s documentary. He gives it away for free under threat of prison in Canada because he believes so much in it. Seriously, I’m not kidding.
June 30 2010
JD
You probably wouldn’t have gotten in so deep if you drank wine. I know you’re baptist-ish and all (ever since the Methodist Welch starting pasteurizing juice so it wouldn’t ferment into wine, Methodists, Baptists, and other Southern conservative traditions stopped the historical Apostolic, Chrisitan practice of drinking wine). But seriously, the Bible literally says wine was given to us to give us “joy”. It is in Psalms and in Exodus, I believe. It is a natural anti-depressant given by *God Himself*. There is a reason Christ’s first miracle was to turn water into wine.
You were drinking only coffee to “charge up”, going hard, and then never chillin joyful with a with a glass of Jesus juice. A glass of wine with supper can help sleep too, as long as you don’t drink too much and drink it right before bed. It relaxes you and then lets you slip into good sleep a few hours later.
The other advice you mention is important too though. Good post generally… But I’m just saying, it is crazy that so many fundamentalists let their modern, non-Christian, juice-only traditions get in the way of them enjoying a joyful glass of good old Christian wine or beer. And always remember, in Matthew 11 Jesus said the religious conservatives of His day judged him harshly for drinking wine too. Be Christ-like, it helps in life.
June 30 2010
Elizabeth
What a great post. So good to hear from your heart about an issue that people don’t like to talk about. I too have struggled in this area, and unfortunately I have heard Christians talk about depression as if it is a sin, when in reality, it is a complex medical issue. Only when you’ve been through it can you truly understand what it’s like. I am glad you had the courage to seek help and to do so quickly.
July 3 2010
johnny
Thanks Clayton, I’ve dealt with this too. You are great!
July 7 2010
Suzanne Salera
Thank you for your honesty Clayton. There are simple truths in everything we do. I’ve learned the hard way;o) If I don’t prioritize my schedule accordingly…..God will help me do it eventually; as I ask Him in prayer for more time in my daily schedule. Sounds like a bit of sanity meets insanity or God’s Ways vs. Man’s Ways. In our fast paced world…We get stuck on immediate gratifications tangibly or intangibly( I like to think of it as whatever causes an adrenaline rush) which separate us from the “Stillness” God intended us to have; at some point during our daily busy schedules. Type A personalities need to rest too;o) God always promises us that He will meet us where we’re at(busy or not so busy). He’ll never leave us nor forsake us. I’m glad you found help Clayton and continue to be a blessing to others. Take care;O) Have a blessed and highly favorable day.
July 8 2010
Kim Moss
Thanks Clayton! Depression is something that is really hard to understand unless you have been through it. So glad that God has led you toward healing and happiness. Thanks for sharing your experience with others. Your example of seeking help will help many followers of Christ who may be ashamed to deal with this issue seek needed assistance.
July 8 2010
DGrant
Give me a break JD ... any excuse will do.
July 8 2010
Kathy Spaulding
WOW! Thank you SO much for being a true leader, one that is not ashamed to show his life, warts and all. So many of us deal with this now. We try to be everything to everybody and God did not make us for that. We are all part of the body, but not the whole body. That was my lesson to learn. I have a specific roll in God’s Kingdom, I don’t have to do it all. Thanks again, praying for your continued healing.
July 8 2010
Attila Uregen
Man up! Clayton!...just kidding!!!. I have seen the same in our military, and in the young men and women in harms way for months, years at a time. Life becomes a struggle, survival becomes a goal, instead of a gift from our Lord and Savior!!!...He didnt want us to live it that way. I am so very happy that you sought help early, and that God was with you! We , at NewSpring love ya brother!
July 9 2010
Joan
I am thankful that you sought help early on. I watched my husband suffer a business failure 5 years ago, and then literally rust out. He developed severe high blood pressure, severe diabetes, had 3 heart attacks and open heart surgery within 2 years. His funeral was last Friday, after suffering a final massive heart attack. Depression and withdrawing into himself were the weapons the enemy used. None of us are meant to go it alone, we need each other; but if we put on our Christian happy face and pretend everything is ok - no one can help us.
July 11 2010
Annie
Wow, Joan. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Clayton, thanks for being candid about your depression. It sucks. I’ve experienced it for most of my life. I read a book recently about Abraham Lincoln and his “meloncholia”. It talks about how much he was able to accomplish despite his constant depression. He said his was somehow related to a bad spell of weather, circumstances, and his general make-up. Hope you have continued better days.
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